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 11/9/94 |
This is the first appearance of the jester aspect of myself. "I am the fool I so often play, to take a friendship and throw it away." That is a statement that is firmly attatched to this image in my mind. This was drawn during one of my self-destructive periods, an event that occurs much more frequently than I'd like to admit. When I get severly depressed, it's usually because I hate myself. As a way to punish myself, I tend to close myself off from friends, family, and loved ones. I become acutely aware of how little love I have for myself, and to prove my point, I strive earnestly to prove that no one else should have any sort of love for me. Instead of being the happy-go-lucky, laugh-a-minute fool I usually am, I'm just a jerk. And I throw away relationships and trusts that have taken years to build. The spheres represent relationships, size being the relative amounts of trust/love in them. The swirls within the spheres just give them a bit of character, just as the relationships gave me a part of my personality, or at least a place to expose a facet of my personality. | ||
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 11/10/94 |
In his second appearance, the jester's already swung between two of my strongest, and most frequent emotions...from sadness to anger. They tend to be close companions, those two. Some of the anger, I'm sure is at myself...being weak enough to be sad...kinda macho...oh, well. Most of the anger, however, is directed at the cause of my sorrow. In this case, time, and my inability to keep track of, and just generally handle it in any sensible way. | ||
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 6/26/97 | This picture represents a strugle between two aspects of myself. The jester dangling from his ears represents the silly, funny, and foolish aspect of myself. If you know me at all, you'll realize he's an oft-portrayed character. :) The big guy with the wings and long hair represents the more spiritual side of me, usually, he's wise, calm, and strong. The conflict in the image is between my desire to just let things be, to let gravity take over and drag me down, and my spiritual wisdom that knows I should fight gravity and the natural tendancy to slip. Instead, I should struggle to ascend, and being the wiser of the two, my Spirit is trying to haul the rest of me upwards, towards heaven and it's desires, and away from hell's plans for me. (Also found in the Soul page.) | ||
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 ??/??/?? |
True to his character, here's the jester...angry again... This anger was a somewhat nebulous anger...I'm not sure exactly what I was mad about, I wasn't sure then. Knowing my own tendancies, tho...I'm sure it had something to do with women, and my relationships with them. Tends to be one of my main concerns. And a major cause of the frustration that frequently overcomes me. And frustration, as we all know, leads quite often into anger...especially in those who can't handle frustration well, myself ranking high among their number. :P | ||
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 6/6/97 |
Ever had that feeling? You're sitting around, trying to figure out what you're going to do, and you get this looming feeling that time is going to make you chose sooner than you'd like? Or that time will chose for you, then tell you, like a clunk on the head? Ok, maybe it's just me...indecision can be like that, I suppose. ;) What can I say...I'm slow...deliberate is what one of my friends suggested. I suppose it's from fear...I get so afraid I'm going to make the wrong choice...so I end up making no choice at all. That, of course (as my mother has ever so often told me), is a choice...and time has a tendancy to clock me over the head with the choice I made by not chosing...and usually, it's a rather bad choice. :P | ||
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 7/4/97 |
This summer, I was learning to juggle...in real space. :P It brought to mind a parallel, tho...I started to wonder how many things I was juggling in my life...all the thoughts that were racing about in my head, all the problems I was struggling with...and...from
left to right, in an arc from hand to hand, here goes:
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 7/24/97 |
Oops! Elaborating on the spheres representing friendships trend, here I am when I allowed my instinctual, and rather childish response ruin a friendship. It's kinda like you're holding onto something, and when you're not quite paying attention, it slips out of your hands...this is that instant where it's still falling...a time that tends to freeze...both figuratively and literally. | ||
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Dec 1997 |
Love's Fool...it's a role I play quite often, actually. *sigh* And a truth about me that I'd like to forget. I...don't know what love is, I suppose. I don't know that I ever have. I have ideals, visions of true love, but it's not something I have...not something I can give. At least, it doesn't seem to be. If you've ever wondered why I'm bummed or confused, it's probably because of this lovely quandry. Love is what I want, what I crave, and what I can't have. It is a problem I lament often...and it's a circle I can't seem to break into...to know love, you must love, and I can't love, because I don't know love. *GRR* It brings to mind a statement I hear repeated often..."You can't love someone else until you love yourself." In which case, I'm down the creek w/o a paddle. :( (Also found on the Me page.) | ||
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May 1995 |
Mercy was a fun one, got to play with the jester's ears. :) It's a statement too...mercy is for the foolish...or so the world would have you believe. By human reckoning, Mercy is silly...survival of the fittest is how we fought our way to the top of the evolutionary ladder, and that's how it's going to be! But I wonder...is it the fittest that survive, or the most blessed? ;) | ||
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 Me |
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My Soul |
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